but I don’t think anything can hide the fact that im honestly still in love with you, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

old pictures make me wonder how 3 years can act as almost ‘nothing’ to you. it’s the hardest thing being with you for so long and being eachothers everything, and now it’s like we never exsisted. and you act like you don’t care that we ever did.

I just hope one day you realize that no girl will ever love and care for you the way I did, and unfortunately still do. I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon.

i miss you.

i don’t think i’ve ever missed you this much. I don’t think i’ve ever wanted to just give you a hug, this much in my entire life.

I miss you, i miss you a whole lot. It’s not so much that i miss what we had, i miss you as a whole. I miss the sense of happiness i got when we would hang out, because you just made the atmosphere a whole lot better. I was my most happiest with you. I know we’re not what we were, and i’m not sure if it’ll ever happen again, but i am sure of one thing, that i’m always going to need you there. You became my best friend, and it’s weird losing that. I don’t want to be cut off from you. I want to still have you there, in any way. You mean virtually the whole world to me.

The times i’m not talking to you i wish i was, i think about you a whole lot more than i should. I think about you in random situations. Moving on is inevidble, it’s going to happen. But in the end, all i want is to have you there in my life.

It’s just not the same without you.

Sincerely, unkown.

Laughing, making fun of each other, spitting things at each other, acting like nothing was ever wrong. Today was a good day, it felt like everything was starting to pick up again.

I guess we’ll have to see what happens..

I just wish i could go back, change everything before karma bit me in the ass. I long for you. Everyday i don’t see you, and i just wish you still felt the same. The goodnight messages that used to make me smile every day i woke up? Now i just wake up with that empty feeling in my stomach, like i have nothing else to smile for.

I just don’t know what else to change about myself to make you love me. That sounds bad though, changing myself to make someone else happy, doesn’t seem right does it? But i would do anything for you. I can’t lose you, i can’t lose your exsistence. I just don’t know what else to write, it’s like the words i have locked up in my heart for so long can’t find the way to come out. You act like you don’t care about me, yet you say you always will. I get so lost in all of your contradictions. You play with my heart so much, and it’s not a toy. I gave my heart to you because i felt safe with it in your security & you made me feel like the prettiest, most lucky girl in the entire world. The way you would kiss me in front of your friends without a care, the way you would tell me you love me, how you would talk to me in that little baby voice & give me a poutyface that i could in no way resist. The way you just made me feel.

I miss it.

There’s a difference between “not knowing what to do” and not caring enough to find out. It’s like doing a math problem. You can look at it and say “I have no idea how to slove that”, but if you are determined enough and have that desire to work it out, you will find out, however you can to solve it down to it’s answer.

If only i had the guts to show you my true emotions, but i’m just afraid of what you’ll say. In reality, i’m scared to death to tell you. I think that if i put a smile on my face to hide these emotions maybe they wont come spilling out of me. But that only breaks me down.

Maybe reading this will make you realize how exactly i feel. Or maybe it wont. I just need to get it out there, off my chest before it explodes with hurt. I’m just so confused about you. The way you don’t act like you care, i wonder if deep down you really don’t care, or it’s a mask you’re using to cover up hurt as well?

I can’t lose you. If i could cry until my eyes were out of tears and scream until i lost my voice i would, but that wouldn’t get anywhere would it? That would leave me emotionless.

I so wish i could say these words to your face, yet i hesitate everytime i’m around you. I think, maybe today will be different. Yet, everyday stays the same. And i want change. Just not the change you’re giving me.

My eyes are dry from shedding too many tears, i have nothing left to come out after writing this.

To sum it up in 3 words, I miss you.

Terribly. Please, come back to me.

i miss who you used to be, i miss the things you used to say, the way you used to embrace me. the way you made me feel like i was the prettiest girl in the room, the feeling of attachment & never wanting to let go.

you’ve let go of me, & now what happens when we start to drift? will you care enough to try to pull it back in? or watch it fade away? these are the things i long to ask you, yet am too scared to say. if i did, what would you say? one word responses, or the truth?

i miss you, i miss every square inch of you. the way you would hold me close & play with my hair, and just look at me. and when i would ask you “what do you think about when you look at me?” you would say “how much i love you”. how we would lay in bed & talk about our future, our house, our baby, all of the amazing things we would have to make our life perfect.. what happened to them? all of the messages i locked in my phone and would just read over and over again because they made me felt special, where did they go? am i not worth the trouble anymore?

that is the question i ask myself, every single day. everytime i don’t hear the “i love you” i so long to hear. everytime i get the quick peck on the lips, when i long for the soft, cute kisses you used to give me. when i would walk away and you would pull me back and just hug me. i think about that question.

i miss you.

Anyways, enough griping. So, this Summer has been just a laid-back type of summer. Not really going anywhere spectacular, just kickin’ back, enjoying the weather. I do enjoy houseboating though, i’ve only been twice but i love it. There’s so much to do and you can always try something new when you’re there. School starts in about 3 weeks! This summer has gone by REDICULOUSLY fast, & i’m not sure i want it to end. I am so excited to go back to school, (school shopping!) but having to wake up everyday and sit in 48 minute classes is not exactly what i would want to be doing. But hey! It’s okay : )

I’m trying my absolute hardest not to spend ANY money, i need it to buy new things for school. Emma & I came up with a promise that we are going to try in school this year. Freshman year was all about finding out what high school was about & getting grades just good enough to make our parents proud. But now, this is all for us. We’re going to do good & look good doin’ it & i must say, i’m pretty jazzed. : )

OH! I almost forgot, i saw the Paramore & No Doubt concert! What amazing people they are. Paramore is just flat out amazing, i love their energy & their music for sure. & No Doubt, well, Gwen Stefani is soooo good! She’s amost one of those people that are actually better live! The way she moves on stage & her voice, man. & not to mention her band is incredible. Overall, besides all the pot smoking & drunk people, it was a good show!

* Photo by Cindy Loughridge

1. I have tons of freckles, i always have.

2. When i was 5 weeks old i was diagnosed with whooping cough.

3. My fears are the dark, going blind and dying.

4. I have long brown hair and i’m completely attatched to it.

5. I can never listen to a song on my ipod all the way through.

6. I average 15,000 text messages a month.

7. I’ll be 16 in January.

8. I have a samsung impression.

9. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, and i am so in love.

10. I get panic attacks.

11. I tend to be a hypochondriac.

12. I hate makeup, but i couldn’t live without it.

13. I’m an upcoming cheer leader, i love tumbling.

14. I am extremely self concious.

15. I was a competitive gymnast for 4 years.

16. I have really long eyelashes.

17. I’m not a shy person.

18. I am a very impatient person.

19. I never express my feelings, but you can tell when somethings wrong.

20. I love big sweatshirts.

21. I don’t read. Unless i find a book i’m really into

22. I love taking pictures, but i hate when people take pictures of me.

23. I talk waaaaay too much.

24. I used to want to be a meteorologist.

25. My room consists of red things and cheetah print.

26. My hair is naturally wavy.

27. I can be a tomboy.

28. I love dried mangoes from costco. & candied pecans from T.J’s. : )

29. I can be immature at times, but i know when to be serious.

30. I love music.

31. My most favorite book in the world is “The Secret Life of Bees”

32. I hate watching old movies, they bore me.

33. I wear sunscreen everyday.

34. I love the show House & i’ve never watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

35. I don’t want to move away. I’ve spent my whole life here.

36. People tell me i have a weird laugh, but it’s distinctive.

37. I have a freckle on my lip. Most people mistake it for ink or food. or dirt.

38. I would rather write with a pencil than a pen.

39. I don’t mind being alone at times.

40. I wish i could buy clothes everyday.

41. I love making natural face masks w/ honey, aspirin, olive oil, strawberries & lots more.

42. I try my hardest not to judge people.

43. I hate confrontation.

44. I’m really sensative. But i do have a strong backbone.

45. I absolutely hate the band modest mouse.

46. My favorite t.v show is wild n out.

47. I played guitar for a year.

48. I’m only 5’4 but i look tall. I think i’m a giant.

49. I’m an insanely jealous person.

50. I’ll try anything once.

51. I wish i was tan.

52. I have 8 pillows on my bed, i love them.

53. I also sleep with 5 stuffed animals, all given to me by shawn <3

54. I love twitter & myspace.

55. I wish certain things about me were different.

56. I’m really good at writing, i just hate doing it.

57. I want to go on the extreme skyflyer at Great America.

58. I have had 4 phones in the last 7 months.

59. At this exact moment i’m watching roseanne.

60. I LOVE wearing dresses.

61. I don’t exactly know how to take compliments very well.

62. i love starbucks and sushi!

63. I love waking up to cute billion page text messages.

64. Me & emma love raspberry lemonade.

65. I love long car rides, but only if they’re with other people.

66. I have never been a kid to take naps, i hate them.

67. I hate peanut butter & ham.

68. I’m bad at spontaneous thinking.

69. I’m good with directions.

70. I love the show George Lopez.

71. I love summer.

72. I love taking pictures out of vogue magazines and convering my walls with them.

73. I don’t practice a religion & i hate when people push their religion in your face.

74. I have a dog named Buster.

75. I love washing my face.

76. I love eating.

77. I hate it when people change the channel everytime the t.v show goes to commercial.

78. I get cold really easily.

79. I drink alot of  coke zero.

80. I have big brown eyes.

81. I love ABDC.

82. I want someone to give me flowers, just because it’s wednesday.

83. I don’t know what i want to do in life.

84. I have two best friends, shawn & emma.

85. I can never keep my room clean.

86. I hate doing laundry.

87. I like flowy shirts.

88. I’m allergic to some types of metals like nickle. I can’t hold change in my hands without them starting to itch and get red.

89. I love swimming.

90. I have 2 necklaces that i wear all the time, but i alternate between them.

91. Yo hablo espanol. Perro muy paquena.

92. I don’t drink as much water as i should.

93. I’ve been to Nevada, Washington D.C, Florida, Georgia, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas & Chicago.

94. I want to have a little baby girl named Summer Ava Henner one day.

95. I love bike rides.

96. Pink, red & purple are my favorite colors.

97. I love fruit punch!

98. I miss middle school.

99. I have a freckle on my inside of my pinky and on my palm.

100. I love you. : )

First, his name is Shawn Michael Henner. He is my boyfriend, my best friend, and my everything and will continue to be for the rest of time. He has been in my life for the past 2 years and i can’t imagine life without him. <3

Emma Catherine Loughridge, oh my jesus girl. She is my best freakin’ friend, i make her pee her pants & we love us our raspberry lemonade : ) I can tell her anything & i love her for that. <3

I need to think of an ojective of my writings, but for now, i’m just going to try to figure out this thing. : )

Oh & by the way, i’m alyssa marie.